Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
