So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
