suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have aggressive nipples.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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