you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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