how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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