i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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