i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
