please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
