how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
