Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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