I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Everything about him screamed your future.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize