I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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