Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
