So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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