he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
