as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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