Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
