I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
