Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
