Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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