My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
