His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
