Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
