So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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