you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
