I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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