So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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