you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize