I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize