I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
