i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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