You smell like stripper and shame
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
