I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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