some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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