So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
