I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
