I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
