Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
