Umm I'm too high to move.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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