he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
