OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
