I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
