i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize