is your mom at the bar?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
