Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
