Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
