I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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