if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
