Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
