You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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