My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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