okay pat passed out under dana's car
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
