I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
