so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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