so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
