Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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